Change of Scenery?

I’m still fighting against the tide here, but my daily transformation into Bill Simmons continues nonetheless.  I’m at work, without a great idea for a column today, but I have to write one so… let’s have some fun with the NBA Trade Machine (woooooooo!).  Cue the sirens and the balloon drop (what’s that, the Republicans used them all during their convention?  Shit!). 

Seriously though, I have a crazy idea, and the trade machine says it works, which means (here’s the part where I sound like Simmons…) that I’m going to spend an entire column telling you all about why this trade that will never ever, ever happen definitely should and will happen.  Are you ready? Let’s get on with it then.

Most of you are probably unaware of Dallas Mavericks forward Josh Howard’s most recent gaffe involving a cell phone camera, youtube.com, the Star Spangled Banner, Barack Obama and his unfiltered mouth, so here is the requisite link to provide the context for this rapidly approaching ramble (you can also find a great debate about it here).  Basically, Josh Howard said some real shit, the ideas behind which are understandable and supported by a large number of Americans of all races, creeds etc.  His articulation of those ideas, however, was especially poor, and the way in which he expressed himself has left many understandably offended, shocked, appalled or whatever.  I’m not here to condemn or make excuses or anything else, but merely to expand on a brief thought that I had.

Before I tell you my thought, it’s also important to note the usage of the words “most recent” when referring to this incident, indicating that this is not Howard’s first “rock the boat” type of incident in his NBA career.  Within the last year, Howard has endured some tragic losses in his personal life, as well as some disappointments on the court, which seem to be bubbling over in a variety of immature incidents that you’d expect from your typical 28-year-old multimillionaire (drag racing, throwing birthday parties during the playoffs, speaking openly about recreational drug use). 

Despite his reputation as a soft-spoken, kind and compassionate star-on-the-rise, his welcome in Dallas is wearing thin as these incidents keep piling up (intolerance in Texas?  Surely you can’t be serious!).  Hard as it is to believe, many Texans disapprove of drag racing, marijuana, Democrats and disrespecting the national anthem (even if he’s exercising one of his most sacred rights as an American in doing so).  But Mark Cuban and the Mavericks organization remain dedicated to Howard’s limitless potential, so unless the right offer came along for Howard (see where this is headed yet?), he will continue to stay in Dallas and chafe the local media as well as the fan base (unless he wins them a title, of course…).  There is already a growing clamor that has whispers of “trade him” floating around, just because of his ongoing personal struggles off of the court, so knowing that, I am here to help as best I can. 

Now it’s time for the unveiling of my new and terrific idea: trade Josh Howard to the Portland Trailblazers (ta-da!).  This deal works on many levels, and it could potentially satisfy all parties involved.  Before we go any further, here is the deal that I imagine: Josh Howard gets traded to Portland for either Martell Webster or Travis Outlaw (the Blazers would prefer to keep Outlaw), Joel Przybilla, Sergio Rodriguez and some number of draft picks (a first rounder, perhaps) plus a bit of cash (Paul Allen has plenty).  Maybe I’m taking crazy pills here, but I think that this deal could actually work, and it’s bridging on fair to boot (it’s at least better than trading Pau Gasol for Kwame Brown and Aaron McKee’s reanimated corpse).  Stick with me on this one, and soon enough, I promise that you’ll be drinking the J-Ho Kool-Aid too.

Dallas would have to give up its future in Howard, but with public incidents piling up into a PR nightmare, they may be willing to move in another direction if they sense that Howard is unhappy in Dallas, orthat the fanbase in Dallas .  They could move Howard now while his value is still somewhat high (not as high as he may be right now, but they’ll still get something for him) and get a few nice pieces in return that would address major areas of concern that have killed the Mavs in the past.  No offense to Erick Dampier and Desagana Diop, but Joel Przybilla is a much better center than either and would definitely shore up Dallas’ interior defense and rebounding.  The “Vanilla Gorilla” would definitely help Dirk Nowitzki on the front lines and give the Mavericks some much needed toughness (something they’ve lacked since their crushing 2006 Finals loss to The Heat and the NBA referees) inside. 

Additionally, Dallas would receive Martell Webster, a young, well mannered player who is still brimming with potential to help fill the void left on the wing by Howard’s departure.  While Webster is not Howard, he has steadily improved every year he’s been in the league (he’s still only 21 years old) and would fit in well in Dallas as a player who can stretch the floor and hit shots on the catch (with Kidd and Nowitzki passing out of double teams, I’m sure those opportunities will arise) and off of the dribble.  Defensively, Webster is still a work in progress, but the silver lining is that Joel is already well versed at the art of covering up for Martell and contesting shots at the rim. 

Throw in Sergio Rodriguez, a young point guard with great play making ability as the heir apparent to Jason Kidd (Rodriguez could learn a thing or two from J-Kidd), as well as a draft pick or two and you’ve got a pretty nice package for Howard, who is already 28 years old.  Doing this deal actually gives Dallas two younger core players and would still allow them to compete this year.  That doesn’t sound so bad, does it?

On the other side, Portland would be rolling the dice by acquiring Howard, however they’d be getting a proven NBA talent with plenty of upside and enough skills to potentially put them over the top, even in the ultra competitive Western Conference.  It may sound crazy (I invented the piano key necktie, damn it!), but the Blazers play in the worst division in the Western Conference, and could easily mix it up with Utah for the division title, or at the very least contend for a playoff berth.  With the Warriors and Nuggets both looking suddenly weak, the bottom of the conference should be wide open and ripe for the picking. 

Adding Howard plugs a big hole at small forward for the Blazers, and his experience would greatly help the young Blazers down the stretch of a potential playoff push.  Additionally, his skill set and versatility would fit in well with the Blazers, helping them with their rebounding and their perimeter defense.  Howard can score from anywhere, but doesn’t need many touches to be effective.  Also, he’s a great athlete who can run the floor, but is also well accustomed to playing in the half court.  He’s long enough and quick enough to guard almost any position (a la Posey or Marion) but still tough enough to mix it up in the paint if he has to. 

At this point the chorus (they’re a metaphor, stop looking for them) is harping “damaged goods” about Howard and his recent run ins with bad karma, but a change of scenery can often cure even the worst woes of the most disenchanted NBA player/pariahs (see Rasheed Wallace, Baron Davis, Stephen Jackson etc.).  Besides, disastrous as some make out Howard’s gaffes to be, I actually think he’d fit in quite well in Portland, and if you don’t believe me, check this out.

Howard’s first scrape came when he flapped his gums about recreational drug usage, admitting that he and many other NBA players regularly smoke marijuana.  Although the stigma of the Jail Blazers remains, pot use (not abuse) is small potatoes in Portland (don’t ask how I know, just take my word for it that I know) and would probably help him appeal to some of the younger elements of the Blazers’ fan base (just go to the next Denver v. Portland game and count the number of “Blaze the Nuggets” signs you see and then try and tell me otherwise).  As for speeding, that won’t be a problem for J-Ho on Portland’s wet and windy roads, not to mention the fact that it would be impossible to drag race with so many Jettas and Prii (plural of Prius?  Anybody?  It’s an ongoing debate) driving 10 miles an hour under the speed limit in the left hand lane. 

Lastly, but most recently, Howard’s controversial stance on America and its national anthem won’t be too much of a problem either, since Bill O’Reilly will tell you (as will Stephen Colbert, in a shockingly satirical fashion) that Portlanders are godless, America hating, flag burning, vegan hippies/hipsters who love to smoke the bong and whine about the war in Iraq.  Sounds like Howard’s perfect crowd (except for maybe the whole 85% white demographic thing…).  Plus Howard is apparently an anti-war Obama voter (two credentials that are essential for living in Portland, it would seem), which will go over swimmingly in Portland and won’t draw any criticism from the local media.  In fact, in such a small market that’s so isolated, most of what Howard does and says wouldn’t even seep out to the national media, which would be so much better for a player as outspoken and opinionated as Howard is.

It’s a win/win for the Blazers and the Mavs to make this deal.  Losing Przybilla in this deal won’t hurt the Blazers on the inside (assuming Oden’s knee holds up), nor does losing Webster (more shots for everyone else) or Rodriguez (creating a roster spot for Rudy Fernandez, Sergio’s fellow countryman).  Dallas, on the other hand, gets to unload a risky asset that many in the sports press are beginning to compare to Ron Artest (yeesh) and get several key players plus a pick or two in return. 

So even if it is a risk to trade for Howard, the risk is minimal and the reward is potentially monumental.  Oh yeah, and the Blazers could do all of this without busting up their young core or scuttling all of their salary cap flexibility down the road (they’ll still have Raef LaFrentz’s expiring deal to shop around).  So if things get as bad as the Dallas media seems to think, the Mavericks should pull the trigger.  This deal is a limited time offer, and it seems that Howard’s stock price is going the way of the Dow average (not good, for those of you still scratching your heads) and it may be best to sell while he still has some value.

On the other hand, the Dallas media, the national sports media (hack, hack ESPN.com hack, hack), the NBA, Texans and stick-up-the-ass uptight Americans could also just chill out and realize that despite the perfect physical makeup of these elite athletes, they’re still imperfect people on the inside with flaws, biases and opinions that aren’t all soundly based in logic and/or reason.  So just because Howard expresses an opinion that is poorly timed and articulated, or smokes some weed now and again (doesn’t seem to be affecting his numbers very much), or engages is reckless speeding (this one actually irks me the most of all three, it’s clearly the most harmful), something that the likes of LeBron James and Derrick Rose have been caught doing but haven’t been raked over the coals for, doesn’t mean that he is a blasphemous Benedict Arnold or a Socrates corrupting the youth of America.  These mistakes mean that he’s human, and were it not for the ever-expanding powers of the mass media, his comments would have remained private and would be a non-issue today, just as they will be in 2 weeks when this whole thing is forgotten. 

But by all means, people of Dallas and the Mavericks organization, if Howard’s crimes (which to me only seem to be sleeping through one too many communications classes) are to serious and upsetting for your delicate ears and stomachs to handle, then why not ship him out to Portland?  I’m offering cents on the dollar here (at least 64), better to sell now than to have to accept Zimbabwe dollars in February. 

I’m biased towards Dallas making this deal (imagine what it would do for my career!), but I’d settle for the state of Texas and the national media as a whole relaxing just a tad and letting this kid play some fucking basketball.  That’s all you really want him to do, and more than likely, it’s all he wants to do to (well, that and get high, but I’ll let those who haven’t sinned cast the first stones there. Frankly, I’m too busy being a menace to society by sitting at home and playing with the cat for hours on end).  

And in my humble opinion, as long as he hasn’t killed anybody (Jason Williams), raped anybody (quit it, Kobe!), beaten his wife (J-Kidd, wait, wait, are we to the part of the list where we talk about nailing Aura skanks yet?), or done anything violent at all, then we all need to calm down just a little, take a deep breath (or hit, whatever works for you) and stop pretending like our own dirty laundry isn’t just as bad as Howard’s if not worse.  The only difference between our laundry and his is that everybody gets to see his; nobody gets to see yours or mine (thank goodness!).  Seriously, chill the fuck out.